When we as humans suffer defeat, we usually do everything we can to avoid feeling shameful. The downside to this is that we miss out on a great opportunity for development.

"I had never experienced such a public humiliation before. It made an impression on me. I had a growing feeling that there was a lesson I needed to learn from it."

I decided to invest the time necessary and reflect on my own part in the matter. To understand why it went the way it did; the approach I had chosen throughout the process, and how I would have preferred to do it.

I analysed the year leading up to the breakup with my partner, specifically looking for episodes that triggered my inner alarm, but where I failed to respond.

At a meeting, it became clear to me that my then partner didn't know how to sell our coaching services. This was a serious problem, as selling was his responsibility. Instead of letting him do what he needed to find clients, I encroached on his territory and spent my time hunting for clients. I refrained from confronting him and instead set about compensating by taking on his responsibilities. This, of course, only compounded the issue. First of all, sales were not my responsibility. I didn't have time to do the work properly, nor did I know how to approach it. Secondly, my partner now had the impression that I had taken over, so he didn't have to deal with it.

As I backtracked the year leading up to the trial, I discovered a trove of wisdom. Situations like the one above, where my internal alarm went off without me having reacted to it. And when I asked myself why I had been so irresponsible not to react when the alarm sounded, the answer was unequivocal: I had been afraid of confrontation and of spoiling the positive vibes – like a child discovering a fire in the kitchen but being too scared to call his parents because they might be upset about being disturbed.

For me, the outcome was that I ended up losing a lawsuit and a huge sum of money.
In closing, these are my hottest recommendations:

That way, you are less likely to suffer the same defeats over and over. This exercise can be applied to all the failures and defeats you have suffered over time. My question is; which one of them do you begin with?

Today, I think Kierkegaard is brilliant. To me, he represents both the existential and the rational. His understanding of life has become an essential key to my personal development.

When we as humans suffer defeat, we usually do everything we can to avoid feeling shameful. The downside to this is that we miss out on a great opportunity for development.

It always makes me wonder when someone nods knowingly during a conversation and goes:

"As Kierkegaard said: “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."
"Well, that's obvious," I think: We live through every day; some days are good, some days are bad. As we come of old age, we look back and finally grasp what it was all about.
To me, that's an asinine logic. At best, it may be used to pass on some wise words to those who care to listen. At least that's how I felt about it.

Until one day it dawned on me that I could choose to use this quote at shorter intervals, rather than for my entire life from cradle to grave. I left Copenhagen City Court on City Hall Square on a summer day in 2012. I had been sued by my former coaching business partner in Los Angeles. I had chosen to leave the partnership and the company, and it triggered a lawsuit.

The dispute was about money. Lots of money.
And I lost the case.

I stood there in the sun and felt cheated, unappreciated, and humiliated. A familiar feeling I have been unfortunate to experience several times in my life. But this time it was worse than ever, and the bad gut feeling just wouldn't go away.
I tried my usual approach to get over it. I cursed out my ex-partner, the judge, and my lawyer as idiots and what's worse, but with zero impact.

I pondered the situation – the judge siding with my former partner. A judge had ruled that I was in the wrong. I had never experienced such a public humiliation before. It made an impression on me. I had a growing feeling that there was a lesson I needed to learn from it. I decided to invest the time necessary and reflect on my own part in the matter. To understand why it went the way it did; the approach I had chosen throughout the process, and how I would have preferred to do it.

"I had never experienced such a public humiliation before. It made an impression on me. I had a growing feeling that there was a lesson I needed to learn from it."

I decided to invest the time necessary and reflect on my own part in the matter. To understand why it went the way it did; the approach I had chosen throughout the process, and how I would have preferred to do it.

I analysed the year leading up to the breakup with my partner, specifically looking for episodes that triggered my inner alarm, but where I failed to respond.

At a meeting, it became clear to me that my then partner didn't know how to sell our coaching services. This was a serious problem, as selling was his responsibility. Instead of letting him do what he needed to find clients, I encroached on his territory and spent my time hunting for clients. I refrained from confronting him and instead set about compensating by taking on his responsibilities. This, of course, only compounded the issue. First of all, sales were not my responsibility. I didn't have time to do the work properly, nor did I know how to approach it. Secondly, my partner now had the impression that I had taken over, so he didn't have to deal with it.

As I backtracked the year leading up to the trial, I discovered a trove of wisdom. Situations like the one above, where my internal alarm went off without me having reacted to it. And when I asked myself why I had been so irresponsible not to react when the alarm sounded, the answer was unequivocal: I had been afraid of confrontation and of spoiling the positive vibes – like a child discovering a fire in the kitchen but being too scared to call his parents because they might be upset about being disturbed.

For me, the outcome was that I ended up losing a lawsuit and a huge sum of money.
In closing, these are my hottest recommendations:

That way, you are less likely to suffer the same defeats over and over. This exercise can be applied to all the failures and defeats you have suffered over time. My question is; which one of them do you begin with?

Today, I think Kierkegaard is brilliant. To me, he represents both the existential and the rational. His understanding of life has become an essential key to my personal development.